Fat Bottomed Girls

A Fat Positive site, focusing on women who are fat and not ashamed of it.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

I'm having a bad fat woman day. We all have them.

Mine is brought on by the various pictures of me surfacing here and there from JournalCon (or snobbywhorecon according to some people.) I was in my chair this weekend for the vast majority of the time as I was in bad shape.

Let me digress for a minute as I'm not sure all of my readers over here know about this. I'm disabled. I use either a cane or a wheelchair to get around. On good days, it is the cane. On bad days, it is my manual wheelchair (if anyone has a line on a cheap electric scooter/chair, let me know). Well, I knew that I wouldn't be in good shape from the drive.

And, I wasn't. When we got to the hotel, it was chair time. And, most of the weekend was as my hip/leg were killing me. I have degenerative disc disease with corresponding nerve damage and also a malformed hip. It has nothing to do with being fat as DDD can affect anyone of any weight and in many cases is a hereditary disease.

Well, I hate having pictures taken of me while I'm in it. I look funny, my clothes don't lay properly and I just don't like it. Plus, for most of the weekend it was hot and/or humid which means I had my hair pulled up.

I do not like pictures of my face with my hair up. So, seeing all these pictures got me down. I was on a panel which means there are a lot of pictures of me and I went to multiple things with groups of people I know from online.

My self image was taking a bad hit today until I talked to Nance on the phone. She made me realize that the things I'm looking at others aren't seeing. Like in one picture where you can see scalp. That just horrifies me as I lost a lot of hair about 2 years ago. I have regained some of it but, not all. She's right in that no one else sees it, just me.

As for the fat, I look larger than I am in a couple of pictures due to the way I'm sitting. I wore dresses and jacket/shirts over them all weekend as that's just me. Well, the jackets/shirts tend to hang over the arm of my wheelchair and make me look even larger than I am.

I didn't like that. In fact, I was pretty damn upset. Why the hell should I be? I'm fat. God Damn It, I know that. That is what FBGs is all about accepting yourself for who you are. I was just in a poor state of mind today.

Part of this evening was spent making myself look at these pictures and instead of grimacing, looking at the details. Like my eyes. I like them, a lot. They are more difficult to see behind my glasses but, really they are nice eyes. (yes, that's vain, kiss my ass.) I like my hands, they're fat but, they are interesting. They have scars that tell stories and they hold my wedding rings.

I'm over the self pity, now. I just wanted y'all to realize that even I don't always have good days, there are still days I get down on myself for being fat. Then, I have to kick my own ass and suck it up.

I'm fat but, fuck I'm also smart and cute and a good wife. I'm a wonderful aunt and kind and thoughtful. I'm more than just a number on a scale, damnit.


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